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  ERAP JOKES

(Para sa mga Pinoys)

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ERAP IN SCHOOL:

Classmate 1: What is 5 plus 4?

Erap: Eh di 9!

Classmate 2: What is 4 plus 5?

Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako eh binaligtad mo lang... eh di 6!



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ERAP ON THE PHONE:

Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?

Operator: Just a minute sir...

Erap: Thank you! (klik).



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ERAP TRIES PAGING:

Easycall Operator: Sender's name please.

Sender: Erap Estrada.

Easycall Operator: Message please.

Sender: Jinggoy this is papa. Nasa akin ang pager unit mo.



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ERAP AND HIS GRANDCHILD:

Erap teaching his granchild an action song "put your right feet on, put your left feet out." Loi heard him and said "Dad, its foot."

Erap: "Sorry, okay foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out."



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NAINIS NA SI ERAP:

Erap got really fuming mad over those text messages on Globe Handyphone where he is always the topic. Said he "Paghindi kayo nagsitigil, papuputulan ko kayo nang linya sa Meralco!"



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One day, Erap was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" Erap, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" Early the next morning, Erap returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins."



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ISPELING

There was once a quiz bee held at Malacanang. The contestants were Erap, Morato, and Roco. All were pretty good and they all got the same points. Then came the tie-breaking question. The type of the question was fill in the blank and spell the answer.

The statement runs this way

?

"Old McDonald had a_________."

The contestants immediately pushed the buzzer. Morato was the first so he was given the chance first.

Host: "Okey Mr. Morato, what is your answer?":

Morato: "Old McDonald had a Duck ?"

Host: "I'm sorry, but that's not the correct answer."

It was then Roco's chance.

Host: "Mr. Roco, what's do you think is the correct answer?"

Roco: " Old McDonald had a Farme (as in farm) sir?"

Host: "That's right Mr. Roco! Now, will you please spell 'farm'?"

Roco: " F-A-R-M-E!"

Host: "I'm sorry, but the spelling is wrong."

Then came Erap"s chance. If he spells it right, he'll win the contest!

Host: "Sir, will you now give us your answer ?"

Erap: "Sure! That's nothing!!"

His answer?

"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!"

Audience: ngehh!!



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BELOW 18:

Isang araw, the president and party went to a bar. On the entrance was a sign that says "NO ADMITTANCE BELOW 18". The president started counting and when he found out na 17 lang sila, he ordered one of his men to call the driver para makapasok sila.! (seventeen?..below 18 nga naman no?!)



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PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITES:

Favorite Filipino:

Cory: Ninoy Aquino

Eddie: Andres Bonifacio

Erap: Casino Filipino



Favorite Campaign Jingle:

Cory: Tie a Yellow Ribbon

Eddie: La Bamba

Erap: Sha la la la



Favorite Movie:

Cory: Gandhi

Eddie: The Longest Day

Erap: Forrest Gump



Favorite Saying:

Cory: Hope for the best and God will do the rest

Eddie: When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

Erap: Life is like a box of chocolates



Favorite Poem:

Cory: The Road Not Taken

Eddie: Charge of the Light Brigade

Erap: Asong Mataba



Favorite Book:

Cory: Gone with the Wind

Eddie: War and Peace

Erap: Rin Tin Tin



Favorite Business Maxim:

Cory: Pile it high, sell it cheap

Eddie: Either lead, follow or get out of the way

Erap: Happy hour, 50 percent off



Favorite Beatles Song:

Cory: Let It Be

Eddie: Taxman

Erap: Help!



Favorite Latin Maxim:

Cory: Ora et labora

Eddie: Labora, labora, labora

Erap: Adora Guia, Perla, Nora, et cetera



Favorite Alibi:

Cory: I had a previous engagement

Eddie: I had a previous engagement

Erap: I had a "pressing" engagement



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Telephone sa Malacaņang

A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media.

Talking to another veteran media man, he said it is harder now to get through The President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.

The media man said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."

"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sige pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"

And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacaņang number, and this is what he heard:

"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2.

IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"

That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 for Tagalog, and this is what he heard:

"MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP.

SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD:

PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA.

PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,

AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"



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LAPTOP:

Exec Sec Zamora: Sir, puwede bang palitan 'tong laptop ko?

Erap: Bakit?

Zamora: Masyadong mabigat, eh!

Erap: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files para gumaan?



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SHOT HIS WIFE

Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house? Because the contract read: "Execute all 3 copies together with your wife..."



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SECRET:

Erap to Loi: Wow ang bango mo ngayon ah! Ano'ng gamit mong pabango?

Loi: Secret!!!

Erap: Secret? Di ba pinapahid yun sa kili-kili?



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WIZARD OF OZ

Hitler, Clinton and Erap in the Land of Oz

Hitler: I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!

Erap: I'm going to ask the Wizard for some brains!

Clinton: (meanwhile, looking around scanning the area) Where's Dorothy?



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ONCE UPON A TIME

During the past Olympic Games held in Spain, then Vice-President Erap, then President Ramos and then Speaker Joe deV were invited to attend. But their invitations lacked the passes they need to enter the Olympics area. Here goes the story:

Erap to FVR: Boss, pano to? Hindi tayo makakapasok!

Joe deV: Oo nga, ser.

FVR: No problem, boyzz.. Magpapanggap tayong mga athletes. So, humanap muna kayo ng mga props ninyo at magkita-kita tayo dito in 1 hour.

And so they all went away looking for the appropriate props. After one hour...

FVR: O, ano'ng dala ninyo? Ako may dalang pana, magpapanggap akong athlete sa Archery!

Joe deV: Ako may dalang flagpole, magpapanggap akong athlete sa pole vault!

FVR: O, Erap, ba't may dala kang barbed wire?

Erap: (Proudly) Athlete ako ng fencing!



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The ORIGINAL Erap Joke

Once, Erap and Dra. Loi went dining in a classy restaurant. Since Erap likes to show off to his wife, their conversation went like this:

Erap: O, saan tayo kakain?

Loi: Sa japanese restaurant sa Ayala, masarap doon!

Erap: Ah, oo. Doon sa kwan, sa kung saan merong buffet (actually, he pronounced it as BUFF-FETT)

Loi: (Correcting him) Dear, hindi buff-fett...buffet

Erap: Ah, okay.... sorry.

By this time, they had already stopped in front of the restaurant. They got out and had a good time.

Erap: Aah, saraaap. Teka, natatandaan mo ba yung valet na kumuha ng kotse natin? (Again, he pronounced the word erratically, as VA-LETT)

Loi: Dear, valet, hindi va-lett.

Erap: Sige na, sige na... Magbayad na tayo, akina yung WA-LEY ko!



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Diplomatic Immunity

While in a diplomatic mission, President Estrada, Former Presidents Cory and Eddie were invited to South America to speak on economic recovery. While they were being toured by their host, they were ambushed by terrorists. Luckily, they escaped into the nearby jungle. Here's how the story went...

"How are we going to get back now?" Cory asked in general. As usual, it was FVR who had the solution, being a military man, he is trained to think of fast alternatives.

"Let's try to walk in a straight line towards the sun, and sooner or later we will get to a village." he said. And so they walked. After a few hours of walking, they heard the cries of the terrorists hunting them. Somehow, they were seen and an ensuing chase began.

Suddenly, Erap had a bright idea. "Eddie! Cory! Magtago na lang muna tayo! Pagod na ako, eh!" he said panting.

"Good idea!" "Sige!" FVR and Cory said simultaneously. And they stopped and looked around for a place to hide. FVR saw the pond and lowered himself into it. Cory saw a thick clump of bushes and inserted herslef among the leaves. Erap, running out of ground-level hiding places, looked up and saw a tree with a lot of leaves.

"Aha! Makapal ang dahon! They will not see me here!" and so he climbed the tree.

Not a moment too soon, the terrorists burst into the area where they were standing scant moments ago. Of course they did not see anything, for the trio was very well hidden. Unfortunately, FVR sneezed.

"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted one of the terrorists, pointing his gun around. FVR, thinking fast, imitated a frog.

"KOKAK, KOKAK," he said.

"Aah, it's just a frog," said the terrorist. At the same moment, Cory was bitten by an insect and let out a small cry.

"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted the terrorist, pointing his gun around. Cory, not ready to be caught, imitated a duck.

"QUACK, QUACK!" she said.

"Aah, it's just a duck," said the terrorist, relaxing. Erap, meanwhile did not look for a suitable branch to hang on to, and soon he began to slip. Movement among the tree leaves alerted the terrorist.

"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted the terrorist, pointing his gun upwards. Erap, following suit the examples of his comrades, said,

"MOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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